Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone
by Sharap'n
Summary: HPPS parody. Harry is speaking random countries at random intervals, Dudley is one of the village people, Petunia only knows six words, Snape is tripping out, and Neville is annoyingly repetetive... for the last time, we HAVE NOT SEEN YOUR TOAD!
1. antidisestablishmentarianism!

Narrator: (me) it was a dark night. A cold dark night. A dark cold dark night. A cold, dark, cold, dark night. A dark, col-  
  
At that moment the Narrator is whisked away and her mouth is sewn shut. Perhaps when she finds a quick-unpick she can continue her narrating duties. Until then, here begins...  
  
HARRY POTTER AND THE MEXICAN'S CHILLI SAUCE  
  
Dumbledore and McGonnagall were sitting on a wall conversing.  
  
D: Sherbet Lemon?  
  
M: no, I'm fine, thanks anyways.  
  
D: Sure?  
  
M: Yes.  
  
D: Come on. Just one?  
  
M: No. I will not eat your sherbet lemon, because it's a trick one and when I open it Chilli Sauce will squirt into my eyes and it'll hurt like hell.  
  
D: (sounding hurt) would I do that to you?  
  
M: Yes.  
  
D: I can't believe you! Look, I'll eat one myself to prove that they aren't filled with Chilli Sauce.  
  
Dumbledore opens a sherbet lemon and eats all the sherbet inside.  
  
D: see?  
  
M: Well, all right then.  
  
McGonnagall opens one and Chilli Sauce squirts into her eyes.  
  
M: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  
  
McGonnagall falls off the wall and rolls around on the ground, clutching her face. Dumbledore is laughing.  
  
D: Heheh, gets 'em every time...  
  
@@@  
  
Aunt Petunia knocked on the door of Harry Potter's cupboard.  
  
AP: (Which incidentally is the same initials of Astral Prue) (As in Astral Projection Prue from Charmed) (As in the TV Show Charmed) (As in... well you know.) Get up! Make bacon!  
  
Aunt Petunia only knew seven words, they were your, get, make, bacon, up, or I'll, (that counts as one word) and antidisestablishmentarianism.  
  
AP: Get up, or I'll antidisestablishmentarianism your bacon!  
  
Harry groaned as he left his cupboard. He had been dreaming of a flying bird. It had been such a lovely dream.  
  
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were waiting in the kitchen for him.  
  
Harry: What's that godawful stench?  
  
Uncle Vernon: Don't you be so disrespectful to your Aunt's new perfume! I think it's rather... unique.  
  
H: I was talking about the sink.  
  
UV: Oh! I, ah, me too.  
  
H: Anywho, what smells?  
  
AP: Your...  
  
Aunt Petunia cast around for a word of her limited vocabulary to use that made sense. Her brain was saved from exploding from strain by Uncle Vernon, finishing her sentence.  
  
UV: You're going to Stonewallpaper next year, you know. The school uniform there is pink, so we're brightening up some of Dudley's pink clothes from when he thought he was gay. It'll look just like everyone else's when it's done.  
  
H: Dudley thought he was gay?  
  
UV: erm... actually, what I meant to say was... make bacon!  
  
Harry finished making the bacon, and saw Dudley parading around in his new SmellyThings outfit. It was a tight black leather vest which succeeded in acting as a kind of corset for all his fat, and tight black leather trousers with two holes cut out of it to show his buttcheeks. There was also a fake moustache and hat included, and he could easily have passed as one of the village people. To complete the outfit was a high voltage cattle prod.  
  
H: Now I see why you wanted to go to that school. Aunt P, can I go to SmellyThings?  
  
AP: ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM!  
  
UV: BOY! Never ask your Aunt a yes or no question, you know those words aren't in her vocabulary!  
  
They go to the Zoo. Harry spies a bottle of Chilli Sauce on the table.  
  
D: Make it move!  
  
UV: (taps the bottle) move!  
  
It doesn't move.  
  
Vernon and Dudley leave to find Petunia.  
  
H: I guess it can't be fun having people tap on the glass like that.  
  
Chilli Sauce: Actually it's better than being poured over people's hot dogs.  
  
H: You have a point there.  
  
CS: I've never seen Brazil.  
  
H: Neither have I.  
  
Suddenly someone knocks the bottle off the table and it smashes.  
  
CS: Ouch...  
  
They finished going to the Zoo and were in the car home. Big bloody whoop.  
  
Vernon almost hit a bird.  
  
UV: Bloody birds...  
  
H: I had a dream about a bird. It was flying.  
  
UV: BIRDS DON'T FLY!  
  
Vernon screeched the car to a halt, causing a multi-car pileup, and he bent around to squint at Harry.  
  
H: Yeah, they do. But they don't if you squirt Chilli Sauce in their eyes.  
  
They got home. Wow.  
  
Suddenly the postman came. Not in that way!  
  
Postman: Ding-dong! Post! Ding-dong!  
  
The theme for Postman Pat starts playing, but Uncle Vernon glares at the Postie out the window and it abruptly stops.  
  
UV: Get the mail, Petunia.  
  
AP: Your bacon.  
  
UV: Get the mail, Dudley.  
  
Dudley: Make Harry get it.  
  
UV: Get the mail, Harry.  
  
H: Bugger off.  
  
Uncle Vernon grabbed Dudley's cattle prod and poked Harry viciously with it. Harry's hair stood even more on end and he emitted a smell rather like chilli sauce.  
  
UV: (in a soft menacing voice) get the mail, Harry.  
  
Harry staggered to the door, randomly saying the names of random vegetables.  
  
UV: What's taking you so long, boy? Checking for letter bombs?  
  
Uncle Vernon laughed at his own joke. He laughed so hard, in fact, that he fell of his seat and had a minor heart attack. No one seemed to notice or care, so he got back on his seat as though nothing had happened.  
  
H: (coming back in) There's a postcard from Marge, zucchini, and a few bills, broccoli. Ooh look carrot there's a letter for potato me!  
  
UV: A letter for pota-what?  
  
H: Potato me.  
  
Uncle Vernon snatched the letter from Harry and jabbed it near his face several times.  
  
UV: Gonna cry? Gonna cry? Gonna cry?  
  
H: Uh, no?  
  
UV: Whatever.  
  
Vernon opened the letter and read it.  
  
UV: Petunia... read this.  
  
Petunia read the letter.  
  
AP: your . . . bacon.  
  
UV: Exactly. All right everyone we're leaving!  
  
Vernon drove them around for hours, and Dudley cried like a girl and poked Harry with his cattle prod until Harry's hair fell out, and he smelled like burnt curry, AND he kept on saying the names of random countries randomly.  
  
UV: I have provisions.  
  
H: Argentina.  
  
Petunia hummed that Argentina song. Dudley poked her with his cattle prod, and by doing so, a new word was added to her vocabulary: blown up. (Yes that is one word. Oh, all you mathematical geniuses out there argue that it is in fact two words, but I put this statement to you: EAT ME!) (Not literally.)  
  
They got on a boat. Woo fun.  
  
UV: I have provisions. And a gun.  
  
Dudley: (singing) Vernon's got a gun...  
  
Harry snatches the cattle prod off Dudley and pokes him with it. Dudley now smells like burning bacon.  
  
H: Haha Chile!  
  
D: Chilli? As in Chilli Sauce? Where?  
  
H: Chile.  
  
D: Where, god damn you!  
  
H: Chile.  
  
D: Bitch! Where?  
  
H: Australia.  
  
D: We're going to Australia! Dad, get that boat around! We're rowing there! And by we I mean you.  
  
H: Russia.  
  
They get to the hut on the rock.  
  
D: Are we in Australia?  
  
AP: Blown up.  
  
D: Well, I did think Australia would be bigger, but as it's been blown up...  
  
AP: Bacon.  
  
D: No, that's just me, mum, Harry fried me. And he didn't even use the eleven secret herbs and spices.  
  
They walked into the hut and found...  
  
____________________  
  
If you wanna know what happens next you gotta review me! 


	2. Bloody Shannon Doherty

Last time, on Harry Potter and the Mexican's Chilli Sauce...  
  
@@@  
  
AP: Bacon.  
  
D: No, that's just me, mum, Harry fried me. And he didn't even use the eleven secret herbs and spices.  
  
They walked into the hut and found...  
  
@@@  
  
... A rug.  
  
UV: AAAAAAARGH! A rug!  
  
H: Persia.  
  
UV: No, I'm sure it's not Persian, I think I saw that rug in a Harvey Norman catalogue.  
  
H: Japan.  
  
Vernon grabs Dudley's cattle prod again and prods Harry with it, and he changes tune from saying the names of random countries randomly to saying the names of random fruit randomly.  
  
AP: Make bacon.  
  
UV: Quite right Petunia, we should make a bed for Dudley.  
  
AP: Or I'll bacon your bacon.  
  
H: What about me boysenberry?  
  
UV: I'm sure you'll be fine. All those years of sleeping in a bloody cupboard should have toughened you up.  
  
H: Actually I developed a strange apple muscle disorder, but whatever you say banana cherry.  
  
That night...  
  
H: Make a wish, Harry. Grapefruit.  
  
He blows the dust on the ground and it flies back up into his eyes.  
  
H: AAAAAAAARGH! My eyes! This hurts almost as much as the Chilli Sauce!  
  
Suddenly Dudley wakes up and squirts Chilli Sauce into Harry's eyes.  
  
H: AAAAAAAAAARGH! My eyes! This hurts almost as much as that time I hit my eye with a jagged rock!  
  
Dudley spies a random jagged rock and hits Harry in the eye with it.  
  
H: AAAAAAAAAAARGH! My eyes! This hurts almost as much as-  
  
Door: BOOM!  
  
H: Door? Are you all right?  
  
He walked over to the door and pressed his ear against it, nodding fervently.  
  
H: You say... you were hit... by a man... who bears a striking resemblance to... who?  
  
Door: BOOM!  
  
The door flew off its hinges and Harry was flung to the other end of the room, where a bottle of Chilli Sauce dropped on his head and dripped into his eyes. A giant man entered the room.  
  
H: So the door was telling the truth... orange... it WAS hit by a man who bears a striking resemblance to Fat Bastard...  
  
Giant: (to Dudley) Hello, Harry! You're fat.  
  
H: No, I'm raspberry Harry.  
  
Giant: I see. Well, don't take that fat thing to heart, or you'll go anorexic or something like that chick on Home and Away.  
  
H: Jade?  
  
Giant: No, dickcheese, she was bulimic. There was another girl, I think it was Gypsy.  
  
H: Gypsy Alexa?  
  
Giant: No dickcheezle, she's a piece of poopie who wasn't on Home and Away. It was either Gypsy or Gypsy's friend, or Sally's friend. I think she's left now though.  
  
H: Sally?  
  
Giant: Don't you watch Home and Away? Sally's the chick who got married to Flynn, who went on a holiday and came back a completely new actor and everyone said 'Flynn, you've had a haircut'.  
  
H: Flynn?  
  
Giant: Shutup so I can tell you about yourself. Interrupt me again and I'll get Chilli Sauce in your eyes and poke you with Dudley's cattle prod. Now see Harry, your parents-  
  
H: (accidentally) Nectarine.  
  
Giant: AAAAAARGH!  
  
Giant gets Chilli Sauce in Harry's eyes and pokes him with Dudley's cattle prod. Harry converts from saying random fruits randomly to saying random colours randomly. Giant man finishes telling him about his parents, and by that time, the Dursleys have noticed a giant man in the hut. Vernon brandishes a gun at the giant man.  
  
UV: Hoy, hoy, señor! I have a gun and I am not afraid to use it! Come and get it, pansy boy! Ooooooooooh you scared, kitty cat! Come on! Bring it! Bring it! I'm gonna have to phone you an ambulance when I'm finished with you, dude!  
  
This ranting continues for about three days. The giant man gets increasingly confused. After a while he gets sick of it and walks up to Vernon, who is still ranting. He pokes him in the eye. Vernon drops the gun, and runs away with his family to the other end of the hut.  
  
H: That was certainly effective. Pink.  
  
Giant: I had Chilli Sauce on my finger. I'm Hagrid, by the way. (Harry will now be referred to as HP.)  
  
HP: Hello, Hagrid!  
  
And from there blossomed a long and beautiful friendship blah blah blah boring stuff.  
  
H: I'm Keeper of the Keys at Warthogs. You know Warthogs? That school, that you don't know about?  
  
HP: Well, obviously, if it's that school I don't know aquamarine about, then –  
  
H: DURSLEY!  
  
Uncle Vernon enters holding his eye.  
  
UV: Yes?  
  
H: Uh, I dunno, I haven't got past page 41 yet. Hang on, while I read the rest of the book...  
  
Three days later...  
  
H: Hey! Who knew that Quirrel would turn out to be the evil dude! Plot twists abound!  
  
HP: Bitch, now no one will bother watching the rest of this aubergine halfpence movie, now you've given away the plot!  
  
H: Uh, rewind a few days.  
  
Rewinding thingy: Don't abuse the power of the – bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzp (everything is rewound three days) – never mind.  
  
HP: Well, obviously, if it's that school I don't know about, then –  
  
H: DURSLEY!  
  
Uncle Vernon enters holding his eye.  
  
UV: Yes? Oh sorry, apparently I'm supposed to do something like this.  
  
He clears his throat.  
  
H: is that it?  
  
UV: No, you bung hole. Ahem.  
  
He straightens his tie and looks proud.  
  
UV: Mimblewimble.  
  
H: Didn't quite catch that?  
  
UV: I said: Mimblewimble.  
  
H: what?  
  
UV: Never mind, read the book. Page forty-one. My big line. 'Mimblewimble.'  
  
H: Ooh, must do that. Probably should be useful.  
  
Three days later...  
  
H: Hey! Who knew that Quirrel would –  
  
HP: - Ah, eat a curry! Yes, that's right... (Shoots Hagrid in leg)  
  
H: argh.  
  
HP: Who knew that Quirrel would eat a curry. And here we were thinking he was ALLERGIC, when really he isn't. Quirrel really loves curry. Crimson Lake.  
  
H: But he turns out to be –  
  
Harry shoots Hagrid again, in the other leg.  
  
H: argh.  
  
HP: Yes, he DID turn out to be not actually allergic to curry. Funny how things are, right, Hagrid? RIGHT, HAGRID? VIOLET?  
  
H: uh, yeah. Plot twists abound.  
  
HP: Hey, howcome you always say you're the keeper of the keys, but you never actually keep any keys? I mean, Jebus, Hagrid, in the whole of Hogwarts, there isn't one door that has a key? Is it just a title jade Dumbledore gave you because he wanted you to feel special and also get the hell out of his office?  
  
H: Yeah, isn't it GREAT? I can have another title and I don't even have to do anything!  
  
HP: I spose...  
  
Later...  
  
H: Mind if I, ah, speed things up a bit?  
  
HP: No, not at all.  
  
Hagrid speeds things up. He speeds things up so much, that Harry is facing Quirrel in the room thingy and he doesn't know who the phuck Quirrel even is.  
  
HP: Too much, Hagrid!  
  
Time goes back, and they are in Diagon Alley, they have already bought their things.  
  
HP: But I didn't have the gunpowder blue creepy wand scene with Ollivander!  
  
H: Jebus, kid, make up yo mind!  
  
He takes Harry into Ollivander's again. Ollivander is reading a porn mag.  
  
H: Harry wants his wand scene.  
  
Ollivander: Go away. You-know-who did terrible things.  
  
H: Like?  
  
O: He's the one who created Shannon Doherty's Scare Tactics.  
  
H: Bitch! 


	3. Anthrax with the body parts

Ollivander: I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter.  
  
Harry Potter: Wow, you must have a great memory.  
  
O: No, I've actually only sold seven wands.  
  
HP: And this company has been around for... how long exactly?  
  
O: Hey, the sign says good wands. It didn't say anything about them not exploding, taking the holder with it in to the fiery PITS OF HELL AND ETERNAL DAMNATION!  
  
Ollivander has quite worked himself up, one eye red and popping out, breathing heavily, spinning round and round like a Spice Girl trying to play hula-hoops.  
  
HP: Actually, I think I'll go elsewhere for my wand...  
  
____________________  
  
Harry and Hagrid were attracting a lot of funny looks on the underground, perhaps because of Harry's aubergine uncontrollable urges to say random pink colour names, perhaps from Hagrid occasionally pushing random people onto the tracks to see them try to get back up before the 101 came along, or perhaps from the oddly shaped packages. ("Harry, look at this, only ten galleons!") Yes, Hagrid had found muggle sex shops hysterical and bought several 'toys' but made Harry carry them, on the pretence of "You're the one with the trolley, you carry them."  
  
He hadn't even bothered to cover them from public view.  
  
HP: Hagrid, don't you think people will find an eleven year old carrying these things strange?  
  
H: What's that?  
  
HP: I said don't you think it's weird?  
  
Hagrid slowly edges toward Harry, subtly forcing him more toward the edge of the platform.  
  
H: SORRY, Harry, I couldn't GET what you were SAYING?  
  
Harry is getting really scared now.  
  
HP: Nothing!  
  
H: Very good. Now, I think we should get a train...  
  
HP: Exactly. Just what I was thinking.  
  
Hagrid pushes a young girl of about four onto the tracks. She screeches as the train pulls up.  
  
Young girl: Hey bitch, that hurt!  
  
H: shuduuuurp biatch...  
  
He pokes her and she dies.  
  
____________________  
  
Harry's last month with the Dursleys was not fun. True, they did give him twice as much food, gave him all of Dudley's things, and kicked Dudley out so they could spend more Quality Time with Harry, but this did become a bit depressing after a while.  
  
So he kept to his room, with his new owl. He had decided to call her Anthrax, a name he had found in his History of Magic book. Oh, wait on, he found that name when his only friend died of it the year previous.  
  
It was lucky Petunia didn't come in to hoover anymore, as Anthrax kept on bringing in human body parts.  
  
Harry thought it time to ask for a lift to Kings Cross.  
  
HP: Uh, Uncle Vernon, can I have a lift tomorrow?  
  
UV: Yep. Have to go in there anyway.  
  
HP: Why?  
  
UV: Dudley rolled onto his cattle prod while sleeping and we have to take him to hospital – he keeps on saying random names of fruit, countries, and colours randomly.  
  
HP: HAHAHAHA!  
  
Vernon poked him with Dudley's cattle prod and he became a selective mute.  
  
UV: Now go to your room and eat some blueberry pancakes, boy! And while you're at it you can finish off Dudley's Resident Evil game. God knows you're better then him anyway.  
  
Harry nodded depressedly and slumped up to his room, unhappily switching on the PlayStation and screaming at Petunia.  
  
HP: HEY BITCH, GO MAKE ME SOME FUCKIN' BLUEBERRY PANCAKES!  
  
AP: Ok. Maple syrup?  
  
HP: Why god why? I haven't given up on LIFE! GOLDEN syrup, dickcheese!  
  
____________________  
  
That's the end of chap no. 3. Plz review! 


	4. Drunk Sorting Hat

Harry, Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley helped Harry onto the platform, and pushed him through the barrier. Harry was amazed at the sight of the Hogwarts express, and he heard Vernon's shouting from the other side of the barrier.

UV: Well, platform 9¾ should be here, but I don't think they've built it yet!

HP: Actually, it's right here... Oh shit, I forgot Anthrax...

Harry went back through the barrier, picked up Anthrax, and forgot how to get back. Wait! Hark, the Herald Angels Singing! What was that Harry heard?

Mrs Weasley: Muggle muggle muggle muggle muggle! Wizard!

HP: Excuse me, I –

Mrs W: Just go on after Ron, he's starting this year too.

HP: I only wanted to know where I could find some hookers.

-----

Draco: I'm Draco Malfoy.

Ron: HAHAHA!

D: You think my name's funny?

R: No, I just burst out laughing for the hell of it.

D: Oh. Well in that case, I see you're a Weasley.

R: Are you psychic or something?

D: And the fact that it's stitched onto your robes.

Ron looks down, and sure enough, the word 'Weasley' was sewn onto his robes.

R: Wow! And I thought it was my roguishly good looks that made girls recognise me!

Neville: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

N: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

N: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

Neville leaves, then comes back with Hermione.

Hermione: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

HG: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

HG and N: You seen a toad?

R and HP: Actually... no.

N: You sure you haven't seen a toad?

HP: Yes, we are sure we have not seen a toad.

Harry went to sleep. When he woke up, he found that someone had tattooed onto his forehead: 'I like George W Bush, please smash my face in'. But Harry wasn't worried, for he had tattooed onto Ron's forehead 'I like John Howard, please kick me in the nether regions'. But Ron wasn't worried, for he had tattooed onto Hermione's forehead 'I like Tony Blair, please break my legs.' But Hermione wasn't worried, as she had tattooed onto Draco's forehead 'I secretly like Harry.' But Draco wasn't worried, because he didn't know he was tattooed. Everything was right with the world.

Hagrid: First years this way!

HP: But that's across the lake...

H: Yes, and there's also the giant squid. Hey, screw it all, let's cover ourselves with gravy and jump into a rabid shark pool, where the sharks haven't been fed for weeks!

HP: YAY!

-----

Sorting hat: (with a lit cigarette hanging out of the rip in its brim, and a scotch on the rocks on the floor next to it)

I'm the amazing sorting hat

I tell you where to go

Hufflepuff are all stupid

Gryffindor have the bloody courage

Ravenclaw are the sexy beasts, hey you! Ever had a hat before...

And Slytherin's are all evil.

So if you don't like it go fuck yourself

Because I'm a drunk hat

And I tell you where to go

While I sing my dumb song

Which sounds horrible

And doesn't rhyme,

But come on, it's not bad for a damn hat!

The great hall applauded, and Dumbledore laughed cheerfully.

Dumbledore: Ah, one of the hat's finest songs.

Hat: Screw you, old man.

D: Ah, that hat's a laugh a minute, isn't he?

McGonagall: Aardvark, Arthur!

That annoying aardvark from ABC Kids came up. You know, the one with round glasses and looks like a mouse. The hat shouted...

Hat: Hufflepuff, you dumb piece of turd!

McG: Potter, Harry!

HP: Blimey!

Hat: For the sake of the goddamn plot, you can be put in Gryffindor, even though you're evil, dumb, and a sexy beast, with no courage, even though that courage develops over the five years, eventually ending in Sirius Black's death, the closest thing to a father you could ever have... Oh bugger, I've skipped ahead a bit, haven't I?

McG: Just a tad.

Hat: GRYFFINDOR!

McG: Weasley, Ron!

Hat: Gryffindor!

McG: Granger, Hermione!

Hat: Gryffindor!

McG: Who cares who the rest go to. Just get them out of my sight.


End file.
